Today is my 2 year wedding anniversary and I was hoping to have a meaningful day with my husband.... free from fighting and drama. I was leaving the house to go buy him a card and I saw a travel mug with the OW last name on it in the garage. I was seething. He had said he wasn't seeing her an had broken it off with her (about 2.5 weeks ago). My intuition/holy spirit had been telling me otherwise though. I felt like I didn't want to do anything nice for him anymore. I went back into the house where he was napping and then I sent the OW a text (bad idea I know...) asking if they were really done because if not then I would not work on things. I saw my husbands phone vibrate and numerous texts came in, actually 6 texts. They were from his friend Shawn, but I knew at that moment that he had just put her number under a code name. When he woke up I confronted him and asked him to read the texts from his friend "Shawn" in front of me. He refused. And there you go....
When I told him that I was finished working on us he asked me "well what have you been doing?". That is the favorite move of the infidel-switch focus/blame onto the innocent spouse. At this point I don't know what to do. I obviously have no reason to continue to work on my marriage if there is the OW still involved. I am not thinking divorce, but I will no longer put in effort to work on anything until I know she isn't in the picture. I feel so defeated. Everyone thought that it sounded too goo to be true that he just suddenly broke it off with her, and I guess it was. I know God can heal any situation and any person, but the person has to be willing. At this point through his actions my husband has clearly said he isn't willing. I was praying to God for truth about my husbands fidelity, but I didn't truly want to believe he was still seeing her. Truth hurts. Ouch!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
My own worst enemy
My husband is a flight attendant, and the thought always crossed my mind that it would be so easy for him to be unfaithful and have me never know it. Since the affair has come to light I find it difficult to trust him when he is working(actually to trust him at all). I find myself obsessing if I can't get in touch with him for several hours or if his phone is off. Now I always jump to the conclusion that he is "seeing her" or spending his time in some other unfaithful way. Not only is this harmful to my mental health, but I then act towards him as though all
of my thoughts are truths. It definitely doesn't do anything to help us, and in fact It often creates huge arguments. The pain I have bottled up inside gets unleashed every time my mind starts going down this path of thinking? Why do I do this? Definitely not productive.
of my thoughts are truths. It definitely doesn't do anything to help us, and in fact It often creates huge arguments. The pain I have bottled up inside gets unleashed every time my mind starts going down this path of thinking? Why do I do this? Definitely not productive.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
A Good Prayer....
Dear Jesus,
As I pray this prayer for guidance, I open my heart and mind to welcome Your Divine support and assistance. I know that You are always there for me, and I only need to take the time to connect consciously with You, and to listen and receive Your guidance which comes to me through the gentle whispers of my soul.
Even though I feel lost and directionless, I place my trust in Your infinite power and wisdom, and allow myself to rest in this moment of uncertainty, without fear, without doubt. I acknowledge that the only reason for my fear and doubt is that I am trying to do it all by the strength of my own human will, and I am trying to figure things out which I cannot possibly find the answers to. What I need to do is to tune into Your infinite loving strength and wisdom, and I am doing this now through this prayer for guidance.
I do not need to ask for guidance. Your guidance is already, infallibly present within me. It resides in the part of me that I might think of as my soul, my higher self, or my intuition. With this prayer for guidance, I ask You to help me learn to listen to and trust Your Divine wisdom.
I surrender all fears and doubts and allow them to be replaced with an absolute trust, confidence, and knowing that all is happening exactly as it should, and will always happen as it should. I know that I am infinitely protected, guided, and nurtured by Your all-encompassing love.
I look to You for strength, courage, and patience. I let go of my need to know where I am going, and what will unfold in my life, and allow myself to trust that it will be right and perfect for my higher good. I release the belief that I must control my life and my future, and entrust my dreams and desires to Your perfect guidance, knowing that You only want the best for me.
I still my mind, and open my heart in order that I may hear Your wisdom clearly. I see myself moving forward effortlessly in the important goals of my life and in my day to day routine, guided clearly by Your wisdom that flows through me. This wisdom allows me to confidently take the step in front of me, knowing that it is always the right step, and that I am always safe and secure.
I affirm that I have a perfect guidance system within me, and even though I cannot always see with my physical senses where the path is leading me, when I remain attuned to Your guidance, I always have a strong sense that I am going the right way, and that any perceived bumps and detours are all part of the journey.
I am so grateful for Your wisdom and guidance that are always there for me, and that I am connecting with consciously and consistently by praying this prayer for guidance.
By the power of Your gentle and infinite wisdom, my prayers are answered.
Amen.
As I pray this prayer for guidance, I open my heart and mind to welcome Your Divine support and assistance. I know that You are always there for me, and I only need to take the time to connect consciously with You, and to listen and receive Your guidance which comes to me through the gentle whispers of my soul.
Even though I feel lost and directionless, I place my trust in Your infinite power and wisdom, and allow myself to rest in this moment of uncertainty, without fear, without doubt. I acknowledge that the only reason for my fear and doubt is that I am trying to do it all by the strength of my own human will, and I am trying to figure things out which I cannot possibly find the answers to. What I need to do is to tune into Your infinite loving strength and wisdom, and I am doing this now through this prayer for guidance.
I do not need to ask for guidance. Your guidance is already, infallibly present within me. It resides in the part of me that I might think of as my soul, my higher self, or my intuition. With this prayer for guidance, I ask You to help me learn to listen to and trust Your Divine wisdom.
I surrender all fears and doubts and allow them to be replaced with an absolute trust, confidence, and knowing that all is happening exactly as it should, and will always happen as it should. I know that I am infinitely protected, guided, and nurtured by Your all-encompassing love.
I look to You for strength, courage, and patience. I let go of my need to know where I am going, and what will unfold in my life, and allow myself to trust that it will be right and perfect for my higher good. I release the belief that I must control my life and my future, and entrust my dreams and desires to Your perfect guidance, knowing that You only want the best for me.
I still my mind, and open my heart in order that I may hear Your wisdom clearly. I see myself moving forward effortlessly in the important goals of my life and in my day to day routine, guided clearly by Your wisdom that flows through me. This wisdom allows me to confidently take the step in front of me, knowing that it is always the right step, and that I am always safe and secure.
I affirm that I have a perfect guidance system within me, and even though I cannot always see with my physical senses where the path is leading me, when I remain attuned to Your guidance, I always have a strong sense that I am going the right way, and that any perceived bumps and detours are all part of the journey.
I am so grateful for Your wisdom and guidance that are always there for me, and that I am connecting with consciously and consistently by praying this prayer for guidance.
By the power of Your gentle and infinite wisdom, my prayers are answered.
Amen.
Finding True North
Today I went to church and felt a little better about everything. Somehow Pastor Elwin Ahu is able to speak into the hearts of people and he really affected mine today. With every new day my emotions seem to change so much. At church he spoke about how we need to have convictions vs. beliefs. He stated that beliefs are feelings we have in that particular moment but they are not deeply rooted in anything, therefore they do not have any real effect on our integrity. Convictions however are deep rooted, unshakable principles that we will "live and die for." Although it sometimes seems easier to just walk away from my marriage because I am in so much pain, I will continue to walk by faith staying true to God's calling for me as a wife and mother. It is days like today that I feel better because I am reminded who I am really supposed to be pleasing. A book I had read recently related God's will for our lives to finding "true North" on a compass. Oh how this is true! I stumble and I fall, but I always need to get back up again, dust myself off and find "true North." I got to thinking.... how do I go about making sure I attune myself to this "true North" everyday so as to not become susceptible to my emotions or others advice? How do I make sure that I am aligning myself with what God wants? Here are the top ways that I found work best for me:
1) Daily Devotions. I start each day with a daily bible reading and then I write about it in the S.O.A.P. format.
2) Listening to Christian music. This really helps bring my heart back to who I am living for, who's I am, and who I am!
3) Touch base with a couple close Christian women. If I am uncertain about things I run it by a few Christian women to see their thoughts.
4) Pray! Nuff said :)
5) "Jesus Calling" book. A friend gave me this and I love to start my day with it. It is simple and helps me feel better.
6) Memorize scripture. It really is a weapon to defeat the enemy. And boy is he after those of us who are down in spirit. We are easy targets, so it is really important to memorize verses. If you have a hard time I recommend "Seeds of Worship" family worship music on iTunes. The CD's have helped me memorize scripture without even realizing it!
1) Daily Devotions. I start each day with a daily bible reading and then I write about it in the S.O.A.P. format.
2) Listening to Christian music. This really helps bring my heart back to who I am living for, who's I am, and who I am!
3) Touch base with a couple close Christian women. If I am uncertain about things I run it by a few Christian women to see their thoughts.
4) Pray! Nuff said :)
5) "Jesus Calling" book. A friend gave me this and I love to start my day with it. It is simple and helps me feel better.
6) Memorize scripture. It really is a weapon to defeat the enemy. And boy is he after those of us who are down in spirit. We are easy targets, so it is really important to memorize verses. If you have a hard time I recommend "Seeds of Worship" family worship music on iTunes. The CD's have helped me memorize scripture without even realizing it!
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